I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
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