I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
