At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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