You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
