I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
