Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
he fucked my hip out of place.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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