That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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