don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
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