Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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