He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize