So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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