Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Randomize
