I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
