this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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