I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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