Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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