the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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