Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
