its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
too bad you live with your parents still
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
