Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
