yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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