can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
