Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
