I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
