Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
