if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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