I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
