do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
