I could have mohawked her pubes.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Randomize
