Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
