im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
