CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
