I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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