haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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