I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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