He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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