If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
