Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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