her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
