Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
