You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
