I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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