i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
