come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Randomize
