Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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