the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Acid is not a monday night drug
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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