And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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