Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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