Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
