Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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