on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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