Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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