I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
