the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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