my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
