my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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