How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
