Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
