Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
