So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
