phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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