I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
