He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
