i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
